Friday, December 26, 2003
Make sure you've read Dec. 23 (brother's Google searches) before the story below. Written by me, but from my brother's point of view. Yes, I am extremely bored and have no life. But I used all the words and phrases on the list!
A MOST SUCESSFUL SPANISH HERITAGE DAY
by "Andrew Hoffman"
Me and my friend Scott were chatting about 2 Fast 2 Furious on MSN messenger when all of a sudden, I remembered that it was Spanish Heritage Month! The guys from work had arranged a trip to Hooters in celebration, but I wasn't quite sure how to get there. Scott, having been there many times before, hooked me up with the Hooters directions and even volunteered to drive me there. Although I'd just finished my S10 V8 conversion, Scott's Camaro top speed was still a lot better than my truck's. He always liked to rub those 97 Camaro stats in my face, but this time I appreciated his car's speed. According to the 5.9L hp ratings and my top speed calculator, we could get to Hooters in less than 30 minutes, so we'd almost be on time.
Scott drove like a madman and we got to Hooters on time. He introduced me to one of his favorite waitresses, a girl from Central WA University named Tessa. I couldn't get over the fact that her name was the same as my sister's best friend, though, so I passed on her and started hitting on the waitress taking our order.
"Hey baby, I tried looking it up on Google but I could use a demonstration; how about you show me how to kiss?"
It must have been my lucky day, because instead of a slap in the face, I got a phone number. Her name was Quaker. Quaker State Oil. What an unusual name! But I like a girl who's a little different, so a couple days later I gave her a call.
We had a great conversation- it sounded like we had a lot of common interests, like Washington gun shows and the malls of Seattle, WA. I took a look at the movie schedules and asked her out for Saturday night. But before she'd say yes, she wanted to make sure I wasn't making up all that stuff about liking gun shows like did.
"Tell me about this year's sniper rifle results," Quaker asked.
"Well I'll start off with the .223 rifle accuracy," I quickly replied, and went on to astound and amaze her with my extensive knowledge of firearms. She was obviously smitten, and I knew Saturday would be lots of fun.
And boy, was it a lot of fun. I'll give you the Spark Notes version: picked her up at 7, went out for pizza, and went to the movies. What movie did we see? I honestly can't remember- we were kissing the whole time. Man, that Quaker Oil is hot! But really, it wasn't just physical attraction- we really seemed to connect emotionally, almost spiritually. I mean, we talked about all sorts of deep stuff like Kazaa and UPS shipping. You know there's a promising future when you can communicate about those sorts of things openly.
When I dropped her off at the end of the night, I asked if she'd be my date to the Homecoming dance. She said yes, and I was really excited. Well, excited and a little nervous since I hadn't been to a dance before. I needed some guidance, so once again I turned to my good friend Google for some homecoming tips. For instance, I learned that what I previously referred to as "homecoming dress flowers" actually had a special name: a "homecoming corsage." And I knew I'd need a homecoming tuxedo, but I needed help tieing a bow tie. As usual, Google hooked me up with everything I needed.
The dance went great and I impressed all the guys from school with my Hooters waitress girlfriend. The last time my sister called home I told her a little about Quaker and the dance. She was really surprised that I had my shit together without even asking Stump the Kalckid or Strong Bad. Thanks to Google, Quaker and I will live happily ever after.
THE END
A MOST SUCESSFUL SPANISH HERITAGE DAY
by "Andrew Hoffman"
Me and my friend Scott were chatting about 2 Fast 2 Furious on MSN messenger when all of a sudden, I remembered that it was Spanish Heritage Month! The guys from work had arranged a trip to Hooters in celebration, but I wasn't quite sure how to get there. Scott, having been there many times before, hooked me up with the Hooters directions and even volunteered to drive me there. Although I'd just finished my S10 V8 conversion, Scott's Camaro top speed was still a lot better than my truck's. He always liked to rub those 97 Camaro stats in my face, but this time I appreciated his car's speed. According to the 5.9L hp ratings and my top speed calculator, we could get to Hooters in less than 30 minutes, so we'd almost be on time.
Scott drove like a madman and we got to Hooters on time. He introduced me to one of his favorite waitresses, a girl from Central WA University named Tessa. I couldn't get over the fact that her name was the same as my sister's best friend, though, so I passed on her and started hitting on the waitress taking our order.
"Hey baby, I tried looking it up on Google but I could use a demonstration; how about you show me how to kiss?"
It must have been my lucky day, because instead of a slap in the face, I got a phone number. Her name was Quaker. Quaker State Oil. What an unusual name! But I like a girl who's a little different, so a couple days later I gave her a call.
We had a great conversation- it sounded like we had a lot of common interests, like Washington gun shows and the malls of Seattle, WA. I took a look at the movie schedules and asked her out for Saturday night. But before she'd say yes, she wanted to make sure I wasn't making up all that stuff about liking gun shows like did.
"Tell me about this year's sniper rifle results," Quaker asked.
"Well I'll start off with the .223 rifle accuracy," I quickly replied, and went on to astound and amaze her with my extensive knowledge of firearms. She was obviously smitten, and I knew Saturday would be lots of fun.
And boy, was it a lot of fun. I'll give you the Spark Notes version: picked her up at 7, went out for pizza, and went to the movies. What movie did we see? I honestly can't remember- we were kissing the whole time. Man, that Quaker Oil is hot! But really, it wasn't just physical attraction- we really seemed to connect emotionally, almost spiritually. I mean, we talked about all sorts of deep stuff like Kazaa and UPS shipping. You know there's a promising future when you can communicate about those sorts of things openly.
When I dropped her off at the end of the night, I asked if she'd be my date to the Homecoming dance. She said yes, and I was really excited. Well, excited and a little nervous since I hadn't been to a dance before. I needed some guidance, so once again I turned to my good friend Google for some homecoming tips. For instance, I learned that what I previously referred to as "homecoming dress flowers" actually had a special name: a "homecoming corsage." And I knew I'd need a homecoming tuxedo, but I needed help tieing a bow tie. As usual, Google hooked me up with everything I needed.
The dance went great and I impressed all the guys from school with my Hooters waitress girlfriend. The last time my sister called home I told her a little about Quaker and the dance. She was really surprised that I had my shit together without even asking Stump the Kalckid or Strong Bad. Thanks to Google, Quaker and I will live happily ever after.
THE END
