Sunday, October 19, 2003
My Churchill personal statement really should be done by tomorrow, but I've got writer's block. I'm rationalizing an update here as warming up for finishing that tonight. It's introspection time.
As recently as last semester, when someone asked what my greatest fear is, I'd say "talking about my feelings." I thought that admitting how I felt to someone made me too vulnerable, so I went to great lengths to avoid serious conversations. I never really told the people closest to me how much they meant, but whenever the opportunity arose I'd change the tone of the conversation with a sarcastic remark. I was the queen of mind games, but it didn't get me anywhere, and I know I hurt a few people. But opening up to other people was impossibly difficult for me, and it led to a lot of frustration on my part; I felt like I was a defective person because I couldn't connect with others.
Over the last six months or so, I feel like everything has changed. And it's something that extends beyond the relationship you probably think I'm talking about. On the whole, I'm a much more caring and empathetic person than I was even just a year ago. Instead of freaking out if someone around me is upset, I'm genuinely interested in helping them. I still have problems putting my thoughts into words, but in the past I wouldn't have even tried.
I've put off my essay long enough. I'll be so relieved when this application is done. Except that then I'll have to get serious about the GRE. And after that, the biology GRE... I've got to find the right balance of enjoying life as it goes and getting ready for the future; this weekend the latter made way for the former.
As recently as last semester, when someone asked what my greatest fear is, I'd say "talking about my feelings." I thought that admitting how I felt to someone made me too vulnerable, so I went to great lengths to avoid serious conversations. I never really told the people closest to me how much they meant, but whenever the opportunity arose I'd change the tone of the conversation with a sarcastic remark. I was the queen of mind games, but it didn't get me anywhere, and I know I hurt a few people. But opening up to other people was impossibly difficult for me, and it led to a lot of frustration on my part; I felt like I was a defective person because I couldn't connect with others.
Over the last six months or so, I feel like everything has changed. And it's something that extends beyond the relationship you probably think I'm talking about. On the whole, I'm a much more caring and empathetic person than I was even just a year ago. Instead of freaking out if someone around me is upset, I'm genuinely interested in helping them. I still have problems putting my thoughts into words, but in the past I wouldn't have even tried.
I've put off my essay long enough. I'll be so relieved when this application is done. Except that then I'll have to get serious about the GRE. And after that, the biology GRE... I've got to find the right balance of enjoying life as it goes and getting ready for the future; this weekend the latter made way for the former.
