Monday, August 11, 2003
I'm sad/depressed, and I don't know why. You know, I haven't been particularly happy in a while. Maybe even since before NH. Sure there have been some fun points, but overall I haven't been feeling like myself. Lately I've been hanging out with people and doing things that I should be enjoying, yet the whole time I'm just counting down the seconds until it's over.
Last weekend a bunch of us went to a party at Karen's place, then to a campfire, then to Susan's. I didn't have fun at all; I should have just gone home after the party rather than going all the way down to 660. Then a couple days later I went down to the Seneca house to watch a movie and hang out. But instead of enjoying everyone's company I was just thinking about how soon to leave. Then the next day there was a thing (not party) at Ryan's place. Except for the half hour where I had a little buzz, I wasn't having fun there either. Friday night people gathered for a movie but I stayed home and read my book. Then Saturday five of us went to the mall for dinner at Friendly's, then I skipped out to join Jen and Rachel since I wasn't particularly enjoying myself. But of course then I didn't enjoy myself with them, either. We watched The Royal Tenenbaums...I think I fall into the category of people who don't understand that movie. Regardless, I was just counting down time until I went home.
You'd think there's something great to do at home, since it seems I'm always counting down to going there. But there's not. I'll just sit around, flip through magazines, go online, waste time. Then I'm just counting down time until the day is over, so that I can go to sleep, get up, and do it all over again. Going through the motions, as my high school soccer coach would say.
Summer is nearing an end. I won't have this much free time for months. So why can't I enjoy it? It would be helpful if I knew what was making me sad, even if it was beyond my control. At least then I'd have something to blame it on. But as it is, I'm beyond confused.
Last weekend a bunch of us went to a party at Karen's place, then to a campfire, then to Susan's. I didn't have fun at all; I should have just gone home after the party rather than going all the way down to 660. Then a couple days later I went down to the Seneca house to watch a movie and hang out. But instead of enjoying everyone's company I was just thinking about how soon to leave. Then the next day there was a thing (not party) at Ryan's place. Except for the half hour where I had a little buzz, I wasn't having fun there either. Friday night people gathered for a movie but I stayed home and read my book. Then Saturday five of us went to the mall for dinner at Friendly's, then I skipped out to join Jen and Rachel since I wasn't particularly enjoying myself. But of course then I didn't enjoy myself with them, either. We watched The Royal Tenenbaums...I think I fall into the category of people who don't understand that movie. Regardless, I was just counting down time until I went home.
You'd think there's something great to do at home, since it seems I'm always counting down to going there. But there's not. I'll just sit around, flip through magazines, go online, waste time. Then I'm just counting down time until the day is over, so that I can go to sleep, get up, and do it all over again. Going through the motions, as my high school soccer coach would say.
Summer is nearing an end. I won't have this much free time for months. So why can't I enjoy it? It would be helpful if I knew what was making me sad, even if it was beyond my control. At least then I'd have something to blame it on. But as it is, I'm beyond confused.
